The classic indispensable, comprehensive guide to creating the wedding of your dreams. Today's weddings are more complicated than ever, with new traditions replacing old, and new relationships to consider as family life grows more complex. In this new edition, Peggy provides sensible solutions to wedding questions old and new, showing how to manage the big decisions and the little details with tact, consideration and confidence leaving you free to enjoy all of the happy times along the way! With new chapters on the groom's involvement and incorporating today's technology into your wedding plans, plus updates and expansions on destination weddings, samesex unions, wedding expenses, and more, the 5th edition answers every couple's contemporary questions. And Peggy Post continues to provide the tried and true guidelines every couple needs for a memorable wedding, from announcing the engagement, to budgeting for the ceremony and reception, to choosing the perfect caterer, florist, photographer and music and bringing it all off with minimum stress and maximum style.
Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5eChapter One
Engagement Etiquette
Perhaps one of you popped the question in the most romantic or surprising way imaginable. Or the decision just sort of evolved. However it happened, you've decided to get married and now you're engaged.
Couples often ask how long an engagement should be. The simplest answer is, "As long as it takes." Do you want to marry at a specific time of the year or on a certain date, such as your parents' anniversary? Do you have a special location in mind? If so, you may need to reserve wedding and reception sites as much as a year to eighteen months in advance. Religious requirements can be a factor in the equation. And sometimes an engagement is shortened or prolonged by events beyond a couple's control, such as military service or a business relocation.
An engagement may last only a few days or weeks or extend over a number of years. The average period is about fourteen months. Your engagement should be a time for contemplation and mutual consideration of the monumental step you're preparing to take. You are two individuals who have pledged to become a couple, and during the engagement, you will begin to sort out what it means to act in tandem. Parties, presents, and pretty clothes may come to mind first, but they're only symbols. The essence lies in ideals of commitment, mutual respect, fidelity, compromise, ongoing communication, and enduring love.
Your engagement is also a time of overwhelming detail -- and enough stress to test the most solid of unions. Don't give in to pressures to stage a celebration that is more about the festivities and less about you. Stay focused on your vision. Delegate chores to others who have offered to help. Stick to the day-to-day routine activities of your life. And, whether the time between your engagement and your wedding is six weeks or six months, remember to take time off from organizing every now and then to enjoy each other, and to immerse yourself in the fun and happiness your engagement brings.
Making It Official
The term officially engaged is a misnomer. There is no official validation for an engagement -- no tests to take, papers to sign, or fees to pay. What is generally considered an official engagement is one that has been announced to family and friends, and if the couple wishes, in a public forum such as the newspaper.
If you were previously married, do not become officially engaged until you are divorced. It's deemed inconsiderate and in poor taste to announce an engagement when a divorce is still in progress. Even if an annulment or divorce is imminent, an engagement should not be announced until it's final.
Sharing the Good News
Usually people know when romance is in the air and marriage is a possibility, but family and good friends deserve your special attention and there is an order to the telling. The guidelines of when and whom to tell have to do with people's feelings. Certain family members and close friends should hear the news first.
Children. If one or both of the engaged couple have children, they must be told before anyone else. This is critically important for young children, and for teens whose lives will be dramatically changed by the addition of a stepparent and perhaps stepsiblings. They may be thrilled, but they are just as likely to be doubtful, reluctant, and even frightened and resentful. It takes love, honesty, and infinite patience to transform individuals into a family, so respect every child's need to question your decision and seek your reassurance. You should also tell an ex-spouse, if for no other reason than to smooth the way for your children's involvement.
It's just as important to inform adult children before publicly announcing an engagement. No matter how far away they may live or how independent they are, children of any age should be uppermost in the couple's concerns.
Parents. After children, parents deserve priority. You can each inform your own parents or speak as a couple with both sets of parents. If your parents don't know your fiancée or fiancé, it's your responsibility to arrange a meeting. If your parents live at a distance, you can make introductions by phone, but also plan to visit as soon as you can. Nothing is better than getting together in person.
When parents are separated or divorced, the news is conveyed to each -- in person, if possible, or by the most convenient means. Even if a parent and child are somewhat estranged, a parent should not hear the news of his or her child's marriage plans from outsiders.
In the event that the announcement will be a total surprise, each member of the couple should be considerate of his or her own parents and talk privately with them first. This allows parents to ask questions that they may be hesitant to ask with their future son- or daughter-in-law present. Couples who are mature enough for marriage should understand that parents have perfectly normal worries and should be allowed to express their concerns. Openness at this stage may prevent difficulties later.
The old custom was for a suitor to speak first with the father of the young woman, declaring his intentions and getting the father's consent before proposing to the daughter. Although this tradition is obsolete, it's still a sign of respect for a prospective groom to meet with his future in-laws and discuss his career and life plans. This conversation might take place before the engagement, when the couple tells their parents of their engagement, or soon thereafter -- whenever seems most appropriate.
Relatives and close friends. Depending on your family structure, there are probably some relatives -- siblings, grandparents, close aunts, uncles, and cousins -- and good friends whom you will want to inform soon after you tell your parents. Always include them as special people in the know before the rest of the world finds out. When and how you spread the word is up to you, so long as you're sensitive to people's feelings and thoughtful of what is going on in their lives.
Colleagues and coworkers. A newly engaged employee may want to inform a boss or supervisor first as a matter of courtesy. The easiest way to spread the news among your colleagues is to tell one or two people and ask them to tell the others. At some point, you should discuss your impending change in status with the person in charge of employee compensation and make necessary alterations in benefit, insurance, and retirement plans.
Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5e. Copyright © by Peggy Post. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Excerpted from Wedding Etiquette by Peggy Post
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