Chapter One

I was setting by the front window of the new and snitzy White Owl Supper Club on the main street of Asininity just sipping at a morning cup of coffee when I seen the two of them ride in just bigger than hell. One of them was a total stranger, and I could see even from that distance that his hands was tied behind his back, but the other one was by God old Happy Bonapart hisself. Happy was the one son of a bitch in the whole entire damned world that I was most anxious to see again, but I never thought even in my most precious dreams that I would really ever be that lucky. I wanted to see old Happy so bad because the little runt had run out on me once, back then when I'd had all that trouble with the goddamned Bensons, and I had swore at that time that if I ever was so fortunate as to see him again, even if I was ninety goddamned years old, I would knock the holy snot out of him right then and there without even first saying howdy.

    I sure was happy to see ole Happy, also 'cause Asininity had growed pretty tame and quiet, and I was getting almighty bored most to death with my new life as the lazy-ass marshal of a sleepy town and a businessman and a husband and a daddy to a little brat. My poor little ole Lillian had popped out a pair a twins, one of each, but we had done lost the little gal. Now, I know it ain't likely to endear me none to anyone out there, calling my own little surviving son a brat, but damn it all to hell, he surely was just that. Likely Lillian had spoiled him all the worser because a the little gal. Hell, I don't know, but he was for sure a snot—nosed, dirty-assed little brat what got ever damn thing he ever wanted just his own peculiar little way, and that was all because a his damn prissy mama. My Lillian, what I had fell deep in love with 'cause she was the goddamndest lady I had ever seen in my whole entire life a travels and wild-ass adventures, had turned out to be a ring-tailed bitch as a wife.

    Hell, I had even begun to think that maybe poor old Texas Jack, rest his old soul, had been right about her way back then whenever I had shot him dead when I found the two of them smooching it up right smack in my own office chair. She nagged at me something fierce all the damn time, and she absolute spoiled that little brat something terrible. Other than that, she just pranced and prissed around in the White Owl just like as if she was in San Francisco or some other such hot damn place. And the goddamned place was way too fancy for Asininity. It never did have much business,

    Whenever I could manage to break myself loose from Lillian, I spent my time back at Harvey's Hooch House, where I felt right comfy, and I even tuck up with old Bonnie Boodle again at least ever' now and then. Bonnie even seemed to forget that she had tried to kill me more than once over Lillian. I think that Lillian knowed what was going on too, but she just didn't really give a damn.

    So anyhow, I was real happy to see old Happy. I needed me some kind of a diversion, and I had felt like I wanted to hit someone real bad for quite a spell. I noticed out the window that old Happy had pulled up right smack dab in front of the marshaling office and him leading that there other feller with his hands tied behind his back. Happy had dismounted and was lapping the reins of the horses around the hitching rail there. I slurped down my coffee, burning my throat and gullet some, and went out the door, headed for my marshaling office.

    I was stepping down off the board sidewalk into the damn muddy street when Happy tried the office door and found it locked. He turned around to look up and down the street, and then he seen me coming. He walked on toward me kind of tentative-like. It had been a long time. We was about to meet there in the middle of the street, and he grinned real wide, like I'd seen him grin' a thousand times before, and he stuck out his hand toward me, and he said, "Barjack—"

    But that was all he said, 'cause right then I smacked him a good one right up to the side of his jaw. It felt great, and it give a good loud smacking sound too, and old Happy's head snapped around, and he fell right over splat in the mud. He looked up at me, and what a look he had on his face. He should ought to have expected that from me after he done what he done, but I guess he never, He rubbed the side of his jaw with a muddy hand. "What the hell was that for?" he said.

    "You run out on me in my greatest hour of need," I said, "and I swore that I would do that the next time I seen you."

    "You told me to kill Bonnie," he said. "I couldn't do that."

    "Well, get up out of the goddamned street," I said. "Folks're looking at us."

    I didn't offer him no hand, though, 'cause he was all over muddy as hell, and I didn't want to get no mud on me, other than on my old boots where it already was. "What the hell you doing back here, anyway?" I asked him. He slipped a time or two, but: he finally got on up to his feet.

    "I brung you a prisoner, Barjack," he said.

    "Well," I said, "I'll go lock the son of a bitch in jail. You go get yourself cleaned up and meet me over in the Hooch House. You can tell me who he is over there."

    I went on over to the office and unlocked the door. Then I went out in the street again right there beside the prisoner what was still just setting there on the horse, and I reached up and tuck hold of his shirt sleeve and dragged him down out of his saddle. He like to have fell in the mud.

    "Hey," he said.

    "Shut up and watch your ass," I said. "Come on." I jerked on him and tuck him on inside and shoved him into a jail cell. Then I shut the door and locked it. He turned around and give me a hell of a look.

    He was a tall lanky feller, ugly as hell, and he was dressed like a cowhand. He had sandy hair and he needed a shave real bad, but the thing what struck me most about his looks was his little slit shake eyes.

    "You going to untie my hands?" he said

    "I never tied them," I said.

    "What the hell kind of way to lock a man up is this?" he said.

    "Turn around," I said, and he turned his back to me and kind of reached his tied hands out so I could get to them. I tuck hold of his shirt collar and jerked on it, banging his head against the bars. He yowled out real good, and then I shoved hard and he sprawled out on the floor. He twisted his head around to look at me.

    "Don't go hollering around at me in my own goddamned jailhouse," I said. "I don't like it, and I won't put up with it." Then I walked on out of the office and headed over for Harvey's. It was still too early for old Bonnie to have got her fat ass out of bed, so I never seen her, and it was a little early for whiskey drinking, but then being there in the Hooch House I couldn't hardly help myself. I told old Aubrey Waldrip to bring me two glasses and a bottle. I knowed that Happy would be along soon enough. I set down at a table and poured myself about three fingers of whiskey and waited.

    When old Happy showed up at last, he had cleaned hisself up and changed his clothes, and I'd already had myself about three drinks, I guess. He stopped a good ten feet away from the table, looking kind of tentative.

    "You going to hit me again?" he said.

    "Hell, no," I said. "I promised myself that I'd do it, and I done it. That's all. Come on over here and set." He come over and pulled out a chair and set down in it, and I poured the extra glass full of whiskey and shoved it at him.

    "It's kind of early," he said.

    "Aw hell," I said, "drink it up. We ain't seen each other in a spell."

    Happy tuck hisself a drink then. I knowed from the old days that he could handle it. 'Course, he couldn't handle it as good as me, but then I never knowed many who could. "What you been up to, Happy?" I asked him.

    "Aw, just knocking around here and there," he said.

    "You shouldn't have run out on me," I said. "You had yourself a good job and throwed it away." He tuck a sip of whiskey, looking at me from over the top of his glass. Then he put down the glass.

    "You know why I run out," he said.

    "Yeah, well," I said, "I guess I'm just as glad that you never killed old Bonnie after all." Then I grinned and kind of leaned over the table toward him and said real low-like, "You know, me and her's taken to screwing each other again now and then."

    "Barjack," Happy said, like he was astonished and maybe a little bit horrified, "you got yourself a wife now."

    "Yeah," I said, "and a damn kid, and the two of them's about to make me crazy." I picked up my glass and drank it down, then poured myself another. "Drink up," I said to Happy. "Hell, I'm way ahead of you." Happy tuck another drink, but he never drank it all down. 'Course, I had poured his glass pretty damn full.

    "Barjack," he Said, "that prisoner I brought you—"

    "The hell with him," I said. "We'll talk about him later, Right now we're going to set here and talk about old times and get drunk. We're two old friends that ain't seen each other for a while. I don't want to talk business,"

    He finished off his drink and shoved the glass on over at me. I poured it full again and poured myself another one. It come to me just then that the last time I seen old Happy I was drunk on my ass. That was the night I had been so drunk that I had knowed I wouldn't be able to defend myself, and I had knowed that old Bonnie was wanting to kill me, and I had told Happy that if he was to spot her coming at me to just shoot her dead. That was the reason he had run out on me. Well, that was all in the past, and I had punched him for it, so that episode was done wrapped up. I always had liked old Happy anyhow, and I was glad to have him back.

    "You staying in town, Happy?" I asked him.

    "I reckon not," he said. "I got no job here. I just come in to deliver that prisoner to you is all, so when we get that took care of, I'll move along, I guess."

    Well, I didn't want old Happy running off too soon, 'cause I didn't really have no good buddies in town, and I kind of liked having him back around, so I figgered I could just delay getting that all tuck care of for a while. I said, "Happy, old partner, is that there son of a bitch a real legitimate prisoner?"

    "He's a wanted man, Barjack," Happy said. "That's why the hell I brought him on over here."

    "Well, then," I said, "I reckon the town can put you up fill we get his paperwork all done right and proper. It might could take a few days, you know."

    Old Happy tossed hisself down another, drink. It looked like he was actual trying to catch up with me. He was a pretty fair drinker; but I knowed that he would get wildcat-ass drunk if he tried to catch up to me, and I thought that it just might be a whole hell of a lot of fun to let him try it. I poured us each another one. "Happy, you old son of a bitch," I said, "I'm glad to see you."

    He rubbed his jaw where I had busted him earlier. "Well," he said, "I guess I'm glad to see you, too, after all."

    "I'm sorry about that jaw-busting I give you," I said, "but I had to do it. I had swore I would, and I had promised myself I would, and if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't never have been able to look myself in the face again. You understand?"

    "Yeah," he said. "I understand. A swearing is a thing you can't ignore."

    `Bout then old Bonnie come a-flouncing down the stairs, her great huge tits just a-bouncing up and down. She had done applied her face paint, she never showed herself without that, but I could still see the dark circles underneath her eyes. She seen me, and then she seen old Happy setting there with me, and she grinned real big and come a-running. Happy seen her coming, and being a real gentleman, he stood up, and I seen that his old legs was already getting a bit rubbery.

    The way them two come together, I figgered the impact of Bonnie's mass would have killed him, but it never. They just throwed their arms around each other and whirled around and around like they was dancing. "Oh, Happy," Bonnie said, kind of gurgling. "Happy, it's so good to see you." Happy opined as how it was good to see her too, and finally they broke it up and he set back down, and Bonnie stuck a chair between the two of us and set her broad ass end down on it.

    "What brings you back to town, Happy?" Bonnie asked him.

    "We ain't talking about that," I said. "What brung him in is business, and we ain't talking no business, not just yet. We're old friends having a good time together. That's all." I started to yell at old Aubrey to bring a glass for Bonnie, but Aubrey knowed Bonnie and her habits better than any of us, and he was already practical at the table with her glass and her own favorite brand of hooch. He put it on the table in front of her.

    "Thanks, Aubrey," she said. "All right. No business. So what do we talk about? Hey, this feels like the good old days, the three of us here like this."

    "But it ain't the good old days," I said. "I've got that goddamned house over there and Lillian and that kid in it, and after a while when she finds out that I been setting here getting drunk as a skunk with old friends this early in the day, she's going to lay into me like the great mother god of all tongues."

    Bonnie give me a hell of a look. "You made your goddamned bed, Barjack," she said. "Now you got to sleep in it."

    "Yeah," I said, grinning, "but I get to sleep in your bed, too, ever' now and then, don't I, sweet thighs?"

    "Oh, shut up, you old fart," she said.

    Drank as he was getting already, I seen old Happy blush a little at that talk. He always did embarrass easy. He was kind of tender, you know. "Happy," I said, "what's wrong with you, little pard? That there bedroom talk make you horny? Hell, old Bonnie will take you upstairs and do you a hell of a good turn, won't you, Bonnie?"

    "That ain't no way to talk in front of a lady, Barjack," Happy said.

    "Well, by God," I said, "I apologize all to hell. Why the hell don't you two go on upstairs and get safe away from old Barjack's uncouth bull? Hell, it's a celebration anyhow, ain't it? Well, go celebrate."

    Old Bonnie give me a hell of a look, and by God, she just jumped up and shoved me and my chair both over on our backs, and of course I had my whiskey glass in my hand, and so I slopped whiskey all over myself. The only thing that bothers me about slopping whiskey all over myself is that it's wasted that way. It should have gone in me rather than on me. Well, that kind of knocked my wind out, and I banged my head on the goddamned floor, but I could still see straight, and I seen Bonnie grab hold of old Happy by his arm and pull him up to his feet. Then she turned and give me another of them looks, and she said, "You think we won't? Well, by God we will. Come on, Happy." And damned if she didn't lead that old boy right on up the stairs. Well, I couldn't help myself. I just laid there on my back, and when my wind come around again, I commenced to laughing.

    Old Aubrey come ambling on over and helped me back up and got me seated at the table again, and he poured me out a fresh drink into my glass. "You all right now, Barjack?" he said.

    "Hell yes," I said. "Old Bonnie, she was just making a statement is all. If she was really mad, she wouldn't have pushed me. She'd have hit me, and she'd have hit me with something damn hard."

    Bonnie and Happy was gone for a spell, and all I can assume is that she was really bouncing him all over her bed, but it was kind of hard to imagine. Whenever I tried to picture it, you know, get a real image in my mind of what was going on up there, the only thing I could see was poor old Happy's face getting all red while Bonnie pulled down his britches. But I figured there's likely to be a heap of difference in the way a man reacts out in public to bedroom talk with a woman present, and how he reacts once she's got him alone upstairs in her own for real bedroom. Anyhow, I hoped that she was really giving him a bang up for real what for up there, and I was in a position to know that she could do it.

    I amused myself for as long as I could by trying to picture Bonnie and Happy up there nekkid in bed together, and then I begun to get some bored with my own company. I got up, picked up my bottle in one hand and my glass in the other, and kind of staggered just a little over to the bar. "Hey, Aubrey," I said. It wasn't busy at all in the Hooch House that time of day, and so old Aubrey come right over to see what it was I was wanting. "Do you think old Happy's on top up yonder, or you reckon sweet Bonnie's riding on him?"

    "I got no idea, Barjack," Aubrey said. "The only thing I know is that you're getting mighty drunk awful early in the day. Miss Lillian ain't going to like it."

    "Happy's back," I said. "I'm celebrating. That's all. To hell with Lillian. She ain't the goddamned Queen of Sheba. Is she?"

    "I don't know, Barjack," Aubrey said, "but the last time I recall you celebrating like this, poor old Billy Brown got his arm broke, Charlie Simmons just up and disappeared, Ace Malloy's dog got killed, and this place didn't have a single chair nor table without at least one broken leg."

    "Aw, stop worrying, Aubrey," I said. "I ain't going to start no trouble. Hell, I'm the goddamned marshal. I'm supposed to stop trouble, ain't I?"

    "S'posed to," Aubrey said, but I didn't really like the way he said it, the silly little bastard. And I kind of told him so. Well, at least I called him that. I said, "You silly little bastard." Just about then Bonnie and Happy come back down the stairs, and I wasn't yet too drunk to see the look on Happy's face. He was looking a bit sheepish, you know, like he had done it all right, and he knowed that me and Aubrey knowed that he had done it, but he wished that we didn't know. Old Bonnie, on the other hand, she had her head held up high. She was lording it over me. Taking in the looks on both their faces, I knowed that they had enjoyed themselves a damn good romp.

    I stepped out away from the bar to meet Happy, and I was wobbly, but I was smiling at him. I'm always happy for a friend when he's had a damn good time. "Well, Happy," I said, "you old son of a bitch, did old Bonnie do you right?"

    And then I'll be a bandy-legged bastard son of an ugly old range cow if Happy didn't draw back and give me a hard roundhouse right to the jaw that knocked me clean off my feet and rolled me backwards fight over the goddamned bar. When I come down on the other side, I fell into Aubrey and bowled him over too. I reached up and took hold of the edge of the bar with both my hands and pulled till my eyes was peeping over at Happy and Bonnie over on the other side.

    "Barjack," Happy said, "how many times I got to tell you that ain't no way to talk in front of a lady?"

    "Hell," I said, standing on up, "I didn't think it would matter none, considering what you two just done with each other."

    I tried to get my right leg up on top of the bar to crawl back over on the proper side. I don't know why I didn't just walk down to the end and around, but I didn't. I was trying to crawl over, and old Aubrey, he give me a hand. He shoved on my leg till we got it up on the bar, and then he shoved on my ass, and pretty soon I was laying on top of the bar on my belly. I slipped my both legs on over and dropped down to the floor. I stood there weaving some for a minute or two, and I shook my head a little trying to clear it.

    'I'm sorry I had to do that to you, Barjack," Happy said, "but it really galls me something awful when you talk like that in front of Bonnie."

    "Aw, hell," I said, kind of ducking my head a little, "it didn't really hurt me none." And then while I had him off guard like that, I tuck another quick swing at him, and it was a good one, too. I popped him right square on the chin, and he fell hard back on top of the nearest table, and the legs give out under it, and the tabletop with Happy laid across it crashed hard on down to the floor.

    It was Happy's turn to try to shake his fuzzy head clear. He shuck it. Then he got up real slow. He stood there looking quizzical at me for just a bit. Then he raised up his little knobby fists in front of his face, all ready to have a goddamned fair fistfight. I hauled off and kicked him in the crotch.